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9 Aug

Episode 39 – Guinea Pig Day – Part 2 – by Eugeniusz S. Lazowski


“His similar, but much bigger, therefore more efficient! Boys,” shouts Bjove to some soldiers, “Bring the trucks in front!”

In an instant three huge military trucks arrive, lower the rear loading ramps and hundreds of pigs come down, which start running around everywhere.

“General,” cries Blanco, “but have you gone mad, what have you done?”

“They will know how to find their own kind! It will suffice to follow them…”

“Yeah?” Wright asks. “And how will we follow hundreds of pigs across the country?”

“Don’t worry, I’ve sent a platoon of soldiers!”

“What?” exclaims Bell. “Are you saying that in addition to having filled the country with pigs, you will now also fill it with soldiers?”

“Bell,” Byjove stuns, “I remind you that if you hadn’t jumped on our President, his hair would have remained in its place!

“But that animal had attacked me!” says the Secretary of the Treasury, still frightened.

“Bell! That animal is a little bigger than a squirrel, but always bigger than your liver!” cries Byjove.

In the meantime a platoon of soldiers, as announced by the general, is entering the country…

“Very well, boys,” welcomes them Byjove, “I brought you here on a very delicate mission. You must find Archibald.”

From the military, standing at attention, only perplexed glances come.

“Archibald,” continues the general, “is the mascot of this country, a guinea pig. He has escaped from his lair and has taken a very precious object with him…”

After a pause of silence, Byjove starts talking again. “The hair of our President. That’s what that damn mouse stole!”

“Exactly,” intervenes sarcastic Moore, “and you will recognize Archibald by his thick hair…he looks very much like our President’s…”

“Moore!!” cries Super Dan, while among the soldiers many of them struggle to hold back laughter.

“Ehm…yes, indeed…” Byjove resumed his speech, in great embarrassment, “here, the guinea pig is running all over the country with the President’s hair…”.

“So, guys,” says Moore again, “found Archibald, you’ll find the President’s hair. Simple, no?”

“Excuse me, sir,” speaks a soldier from the platoon. “I ask permission to ask a question.”

“Permission granted.”

“Sir, excuse me, but what are all these pigs doing around here? How should we behave with them?”

“You must follow them.” orders Byjove.

“Excuse me?!” replies the soldier in dismay.

“They will take you to the guinea pig.” Moore meddles again. “This is the brilliant idea of your general…”

“Moore!” slams Byjove. “I explain to them what they must do! You must follow the pigs, they will find the guinea pig.”

“If you have any problems with these animals, you can put a leash on each one of them and let them guide you, as if they were beautiful little dogs…”

“Moore!!” thunders again Byjove. “They are soldiers, not dog sitters!”

“Excuse me, it was just an idea. I wanted to make myself useful…”

“Forward, march! Go after the pigs, find the damn hair thief!” Byjove yells.

“General,” speaks Super Dan, “what are your chances of finding the mascot?”

“100% chance, my commander!” the soldier comes to attention. “We will find Archibald, we will find his hair and shoot the culprit!”

“Well said!” answers Super Dan. “No, just a moment! Shoot the mascot?! No, not that, General, I want him alive. He’s still the mascot of the country, if you remember.”

“Are you sure about that?” Byjove doubtful questions.

“General, I said take him alive, am I clear?”

“All right,” mumbles the military man, “if I have to…”

Pigs start running around the whole country, chased by armed soldiers, causing fear in some, worry in others and fun in many, but above all creating great confusion. A few minutes later…

“Help!” cries a woman, running out of a fruit and vegetable store. “The pigs have invaded my store, they are eating everything!”

“Men, to me!” orders Byjove. “Let’s throw out those pink quadrupeds and save the store!”

The general enters with some soldiers, making his way through the pigs and waving his saber.

“Get out, damn you, get out of here! I brought you here to find that damn guinea pig, not to eat!”

At that precise moment…

“Help me! Let me down!!” Bell is crying, on the back of a sow of over a quintal, running down the street in front of the store from which Byjove is exiting.

“Bell, what the hell are you doing on that pig’s back?” the soldier stuns.

“Help! General, stop this monster!” begs Bell.

“Bell!But what are you doing, a rodeo? That’s a pig, not a horse! Come down immediately!”

The other members of the government are watching the show.

“The soldiers, but where are the soldiers?” Blanco asks loudly.

“They are chasing the other pigs…” answers Wright, who tries to avoid the animals that are wandering around everywhere.

“It was inevitable,” comments Moore. “The general has brought more pigs here than soldiers…”

“He’s right, the country is invaded by pigs!” agrees Blanco.

Bell’s giant sow moves away, then Byjove takes a run and jumps on the back of another huge sow.

“Ihaaa! At a gallop, run, you damned pig!” cries the soldier, pointing his saber in front of him toward the runaway pig.

“Dios mio!” exclaims Blanco, outraged. “But…have you seen the general?”

“If I hadn’t seen him with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it…” mutters Moore.

“We cannot abandon poor Bell in this manner,” worries Wright. “What if the general doesn’t make it?”

“There’s a bicycle store across the street…” remarks Moore.

In an instant the three of them enter the store and ride out on three bicycles.

Bell, in the saddle of a gigantic sow, Byjove, who is chasing him with a saber in his hand, and now Bell’s three colleagues.

“There he is, the general, I see him, we’re getting closer!” exclaims Wright.

Meanwhile Super Dan, his wife, the Austrian governess and Naive are unconsciously walking towards Bell.

“Look what a disaster, what a mess your general has made!” says Gwendoline, angry.

“Away, away! Out of the way! Schnell! Schnell!” intimate Ms. Brontenserious, waving her whip at the animals.

“But dear, what have I got to do with all this?” tries to justify himself Super Dan.

“You are not even able to keep your hair on your head!” thunders the First Lady.”Pigs who are running, soldiers who are running, people who are running and…Bell who is running?!”

“Bell?” the first citizen confused asks. “But what has Bell got to do with it?”

“Bell!” replies his wife, pointing right in front of him, Bell, on the sow’s back, who is heading towards them at full speed.

“Bell?!” has just the time to say Super Dan, before the sow, arrived in front of him, stops abruptly, making the Secretary of the Treasury take off, landing for the second time on his President, laying him down on the ground. Super Dan’s toupee, detached due to the impact for the second time, flies over the head of a running pig.

“Aahhh! my back!” is Bell’s cry.

“Aahhhh! my back!” is the cry of Super Dan.

“Aahhhh! The President’s hair!” is the cry of Naive, indicating the pig that is running away.

“My hair! Noooo!” is the second shout of Super Dan.

“The General…” stammers the First Lady, seeing Byjove arrive on the back of a running sow.

“Here I am! Bell, what are you doing on the ground?” asks the soldier, jumping off the pig with a leap.

“Aahhh! my back!” Bell continues to complain.

“Bell arrived on a pig, just like you, General,” explains the First Lady, “but the animal stopped suddenly, and Bell flew right at my husband…”.

“What?!” slams Byjove. “Today is the second time you knocked out our commander. Bell, I remind you that the attempt on the President’s life in this country is punishable by the death penalty!”

“Oh God, I feel sick! My back, my inhaler…”

At that moment Blanco, Moore and Wright come by bicycle.

“What happened?” asks Blanco, while the escort officers are helping Super Dan and poor Bell.

“This wretch has knocked our commander to the ground for the second time!” replies Byjove angrily.

“And for the second time,” adds the Austrian governess, “the President’s big head flew on a big pig.”

At that moment the subject of the discussion passes by them running, with the toupee on his head.

“My hair! Get my hair back!” cries Super Dan.

“Two toupees walking around the country on the same day…” is Moore’s consideration, “I think that’s a record, do you know that, Mr. President?”.

“Moore!” cries Super Dan, with his hands covering his head and his neck veins swollen.

“Soldiers to me!” orders Byjove, pointing his saber at the pig. “Let’s chase the fugitive!”

The general grabs Wright’s bike and starts pedaling behind the pink animal.

“Ms Brontenserious, let’s go,” orders the First Lady. The two women take Super Dan to a dress store on the corner because you are wearing a new toupee.

“What about us?” Wright asks. “The general is chasing the pig with the President’s hair, the soldiers are looking for Archibald…”

“Do you really believe that, Wright?” asks Moore.”I think rather that the soldiers are busy running after the pigs that the general has scattered all over the country…”

“I agree. So at this point all we have to do is look for him,” Blanco proposes.

“All right, Bell and I are going to walk,” says Wright. “But where are we going?”

“Anywhere,” answers Moore, “could be anywhere. Have a good hunt, and…whoever finds him calls the others, okay?”

The four of them split up. In the meantime, Byjove…

“Stop, you damned beast!” cries the general, while pedaling puffing. “Give me the President’s hair back, or I’ll turn you into barbecue sausages!”

The pig continues his ride, while Byjove tries to avoid the other animals, performing stunts and slalom with his bicycle.

After a few minutes…

“Damn pig!” cries Byjove as he makes a turn. “Pant…pant…I order you to stop!”

At that moment, from around the corner, Wright appears out, on foot, in search of Archibald.


Wright finds himself on the handlebars of Byjove’s bicycle, who continues to pedal undaunted.

“Wright, what the hell are you doing on my bike?  Get out of the way, I can’t see anything!”

“My belly, what a knock!” complains the Secretary of the Interior, bent over the handlebars and clutched with his hands to Byjove’s arms.

“Don’t cling to my arms, I can’t drive! Move over, I can’t see a damn thing!” cries the military man.

“Let me down! Let me down!” begs Wright.

“Never! Whoever stops is lost!”

At that moment the two of them clash with a sow weighing one hundred and fifty kilos. The bicycle, with the two unfortunates, hovers in the air like the bicycle in the film “E.T.”, drawing a semicircle, which ends in the window of a closed pastry shop.

At that moment Moore and Blanco arrive on their bikes from opposite sides. Byjove and Wright are covered with shards of glass and all kinds of sweets, from chocolate cakes to Sicilian cannoli.

“Madre de Dios!” exclaims Blanco. “What happened?”

“It was time for a snack…” answers Wright.

“This guppy came out of nowhere and jumped on my bicycle! That’s what happened!”

“Actually I was simply walking…” answers Wright, helped by the two colleagues to get out of the window.

“I had almost reached him! How do we find him now? Wright, you are almost worse than Bell!”

“Someone called me?” says Bell, who arrived at that moment.

“Well, we are almost all there.” comments Moore ironically. “The only thing missing is the President, in search of the lost toupee…”

“No, Bell, no one called you, you can go back where you came from!” slams Byjove.

In that instant the pig they were chasing passes by them again, running.

“There he is!” exclaims Wright. “He still has the President’s toupee!”

The group tries to run after him, but they cannot reach him.

“There is only one thing…pant…to do…” snorts Byjove.

The general, continuing to run, grabs the neighbor Bell by the lapel of his jacket and the belt of his pants and throws him over the pig. After a flight of several meters, Bell finds himself still on the pig’s back.

“Aahhh!General, what have you done?  Let me down!” screams the Secretary of the Treasury.

“General, but you’ve gone mad!” snorts Blanco, running.

“Bell!’ cries Byjove. “Take him down! Stop that animal at all costs!”

“Put him down?” Wright murmurs, with a loud breath.

Fearing to fall, Bell grabs both of the animal’s ears with his hands, and begins to pull to stay firmly on his back, but the pig doesn’t like it at all, and begins to swerve.

“But what happens…pant…pant…” murmurs Moore, “is he riding a drunken pig?”

The pain in his ears makes the pig swerve again, and he finishes his ride on an ice cream cart.

“Mmmmmmm!” mumbles Bell, lying on the ground, covered with ice cream and with a toupee in his mouth.

The pursuers stop.

“Bell, you are a hero, you have recovered the President’s toupee!” exclaims Blanco.

“I can’t believe it…he really stopped him…” admits Byjove, stunned, as he rips the precious object out of Bell’s mouth with his usual delicacy.

“Aahhh! General, you almost tore my jaw off!”

“On your feet! Silence! A true soldier never complains!”

“But General, a little understanding,” Blanco intervenes, “after all, he has retrieved the President’s toupee…”

“It was your duty, the least you could do,” replies Byjove, “which is enough to erase one of the two attacks on our commander! Bell, remember that you are still responsible for an assault…”

“Gulp!” swallows Bell fearful.

At that moment Byjove receives a call from one of the soldiers.

“Gentlemen,” the soldier proudly proclaims, “I have just been warned that the enemy of the nation, Archibald, has been spotted near the park, not far from here. Let’s go!”

“The enemy of the nation?!” exclaims Wright. “But isn’t he exaggerating a bit?”

“It’s quite true, the culprit always returns to the scene of the crime…” comments Moore.

A few minutes later, in an alleyway near the park…

“There it is, there it is, I saw it!” Bell shouted, pointing to something that is moving.

“Where is that villain?” slams Byjove, with a saber in his hand.

“Over there, I saw him over there!” Bell reiterates.

“My brave ones, follow me! Attack!” exclaims Byjove.

“My brave ones!” whispers the Secretary of the Treasury. “But is he talking about us?”

“On the attack?” asks Moore. “Does anyone explain to him that we are not at war?”

But the general has gone off like a rocket in search of the little animal.

“It’s true, something is moving, behind these garbage cans.” recognizes Byjove. “Come out with your paws up and your toupee in plain sight! And no false moves, understood?”

“But is it General Byjove or Inspector Callahan?!” Blanco asks.

The general slowly goes around the bins, to surprise the guinea pig behind him.

“Got him!” cries the soldier, who has jumped into the garbage with a leap.

“There he is!” he says, showing a cat holding by the tail. “What? But this is a cat!” he exclaims, before throwing it far away.

“Bell! It was a damn cat! But what do you have instead of eyes, two moldy onions?”

“But I, really…I had seen something move…” poor Bell tries to explain himself.

“Over there!” Blanco interrupts them. “He’s over there, I saw him!”

“Blanco, are you sure?” asks Byjove, “It’s not another cat, is it?”

“General, I remind you that I have perfect 20-20 vision with both eyes….”

“Then let’s go, in pursuit!” Byjove exhorts them. “Let’s move forward in scattered order!”

“In scattered order?” murmurs Wright.

“That means go wherever you want…” explains Moore to him.

The group then proceeds along the alleyway towards its beginning, in the square where the Park is located.

“He’s running away!” cries Wright.

“Here he is, he’s back in the square!” observes Bell.

Archibald comes running back into the park, tailed by the group of pursuers and some soldiers.

Chairs overwhelmed by soldiers, people bumped and pushed to the ground, Byjove shouting and waving his saber.

“Take the enemy of the country!” orders the general. “Take the traitor!”

In the park confusion reigns supreme, people start cheering for the poor scared animal, which runs fast among the people, jumping to avoid it, ending up hindering the pursuers.

Byjove knocks down any animated or inanimate being encountered on his path, as if they were skittles: people, chairs, benches, Bell…

The public incites the small animal…

“Come on, come on, don’t stop!”

“Come on, you almost made it, climb the steps, go on stage!”

Archibald jumping up the stage stairs, Super Dan’s toupee falls on the stage floor, and finally he takes refuge in his den.

Everyone stops, silence descends in the park.

The mayor approaches the stage, slowly climbs the stairs, then stops.

He turns towards the still crowd, then takes slow steps towards the den. He raises his stick in the air and shows it to the public.

Now he leans down to the den and knocks…everyone’s eyes stop, he is performing the ritual, which this time he succeeds…the mascot has gone out!

The public follows with trepidation what’s happening in front of the lair. The mayor has bent down towards the little animal, he’s listening to him.

Then he turns to the audience and announces: “Achibald can’t see his shadow because the sky is cloudy, so winter will end soon!”

A long, warm applause fills the park, people hug each other.

The village band starts playing a march, people smile, the party can finally begin.

“All’s well that ends well…” sighs Moore.

“Little Archibald is back safe and sound in his den, the President’s hair has been recovered, the people are smiling again…” comments Naive happily.

“But of course.” Moore intervenes. “The general has filled the country with pigs and soldiers, dozens of stores and stalls have been destroyed, the President’s hair has been scattered everywhere…and yes, a truly unforgettable party.”

“Party, you said?” Mayor Davies intervenes, before Super Dan and Byjove can respond. “That’s right, the party starts now, and in a little while we are going to light the fires of our barbecues. I hope you want to be our guests…not to brag, but our barbecues are famous all over the region!”

“Hear that, General?” asks Byjove with a big smile. “They are famous throughout the region!”

“Can we ever disappoint our mayor and his fellow citizens?” asks Super Dan.

“Never!” replies Byjove.

“So let the party begin!” exclaims Super Dan.

“After all this movement, a bit of refreshment is needed…” comments Byjove happily.

“Holy words, General, holy words…” approves President Kramp.

This concludes President Daniel Kramp’s participation in the Guinea pig Day.

See you next episode. Ending theme!

Super Dan
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