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11 Aug

EPISODE 06: THE TREASURE MAP – by Eugeniusz S. Lazowski

INTERIOR – UPPER FLOOR OF THE BIG HOUSE – ROUND ROOM – AFTERNOON.

Super Dan and his staff have been meeting for hours, talking about some important measures, including that in favour of the most needy.

Members of the Kramp government emphasize the importance of a policy to help the most disadvantaged.

“Well Mr. President, and now we come to the last item of the agenda: the support to be given to the disadvantaged.” Bell opens the discussion on this last provision.

“Poor Laws have always existed, Mr. President,” points out Blanco.

“Poor what? What the hell are they?” exclaims Super Dan.

“They’ve been around for centuries, believe me.” confirms the Secretary of State Ms Blanco.

“It’s true, Mr. President,” says Wright. “These laws have always been, they represented a real welfare system aimed at to the poorest sections of the population.”

“Sections”? What sections?” slams the big boss. “No one has ever talk about sections!”

“Mr. President,” Bell tries to explain, “was a way that the government was trying to help the most disadvantaged: assistance to families on low incomes, support for deserving but underprivileged students, support for single women with children…”

“Where did all these people come from? What is this, the national meeting of the poor people?”

“The President’s right!” General Byjove explodes. “Let’s not start with the usual whining, because I already know how this ends: that you find the money by taking it away from us soldiers!”

“Here’s what you’re interested: funding to the military,” Blanco concludes.

“More money to the military and less money to the needy. Your nobility of spirit touches me, Byjove.” Moore bites off.

“Hang yourself and your nobility of spirit. “Do not try to cut the funds to us military, is that clear?”

“But General,” he tries to soothe Bell’s spirits, “welfare policy has always been a cornerstone of all the previous governments.”

“Precedent was precedent, my government is me!” proclaims Super Dan with a hight jaw, looking out of the corner of his eye to watch TV on down the hall.

“What a philosophical thought, worthy of Socrates.” comments Moore.

“Exactly!” the general intervenes again. “Every government takes his interest and we’ll take care of our own!”

“Mr. President, I invite you to reflect…” Blanco says.

“Go beg in the street, everybody!” insists Byjove.

“But general,” Bell points out, “social support for the lower classes is a sign of greatness of spirit. Even in America President Trump is in favour.”

“But can’t we at least use them for some work?” has an idea Super Dan. “Free workforce for the countries!”

“Great idea!” the general supports him. “We can use them for reclaim the swamps!”

“But this is how slaves were used in ancient times…” quietly observes Wright.

“Call them fools! Those were the days!” Byjove says. “They know how to save on public spending!”

“Gentlemen, what you are saying is not worthy of a democratic government.” Wright says.

“How do you think they built the Chinese wall?” he asks Chairman. “Asking permission from the Unions?”

He and the general burst out laughing and giving each other big pats on the back.

Meanwhile, during the debate, the television on at low volume continues to attract the attention of Super Dan, who’s trying to watch it out of the corner of his eye, somehow, even when he’s talking to his collaborators.

“All right, since this is the only language you know,” Hispanic Blanco intervenes decisively, “then I have to point out to you that they are all important votes, decisive votes for your future re-election, Mr. President.”

Super Dan and Byjove immediately stop laughing.

“Re-election”? Is that so?”

“Oh, yeah, no re-election, no presidency,” Bell points out. And no Department of Defense for you…”

“Looks like we’ve hit the right button: that of the armchair.” concludes Moore with a smile.

Meanwhile, Super Dan continues to watch out of the corner of his eye at the television, trying not to get caught.

“And in all honesty,” joins an encouraged Wright the chorus of those in favor, “this measure was part of your program, Mr. President, you promised your constituents.”

“Oh, yeah, huh? Did I promise?”

“How would it look for a President who breaks his electoral promises?” emphasizes the asthmatic Bell.

Moore turns to Super Dan, looks at him.

“Well, so at first glance, I’d say…”

“Moore, for God’s sake!” cries the President as he jumps on the armchair.

“I’ll send those bums to heaven if you take away one penny to us soldiers!” says Byjove with his hand ready to draw his saber.

“General, have you gone mad?” Blanco says. “Do you realize what are you saying?”

Meanwhile Super Dan is slowly moving sideways, pretending to be nothing, to finally watch what they’re broadcasting in television.

“I’m saying what I think, and what the President thinks!” Byjove slams down.

Meanwhile, Super Dan keeps peeking at the TV pretending like nothing’s happening.

“Mr. President,” Wright turns to him, “I can’t believe you feel the same way.”

“Mr. President?” Blanco says. “Mr. President?”

Super Dan’s getting a stiff neck from stretching out to watch television.

Moore intervenes with a decisive gesture, grabs by the arm his colleague Bell, blocking the big guy’s view, moving him sideways, just enough for Super Dan to finally watch the coveted television.

The President has been unmasked, he screwed the pooch in front of everybody, the whole staff knows he wasn’t even giving them the slightest bit of credit attention.

“Well, Mr. President, I see that this topic is particularly relevant to your heart…” is Moore’s hit.

“Mr. President, we’re discussing the fate of thousands of families and you watch the sports news?” rebukes him an angry Blanco.

“That’s enough! I’m tired, stop it, I can’t take it anymore!” cries the President, red in the face and swollen neck veins, ripping his toupee off his head and throwing it on the table.

Silence descends in the hall, everyone’s eyes on the toupee of Super Dan, there’s just embarrassment.

“Well, perhaps we should suspend the session here…” proposes Blanco.

“Yes, let’s give each of us time to reflect and mature a decision.” Bell agrees.

“Sure,” agrees Wright, “time brings advice.”

“The night, Wright, that’s the night.” Moore corrects him.

They’re all pretty exhausted, getting up and going.

Super Dan goes to the Ford Room, and not to his rooms, he wants to be alone just for a little while and can relax.

INTERIOR – GROUND FLOOR OF THE BIG HOUSE – ROOM FORD.

The President enters puffing and he sinks exhausted into the armchair.

“Alone at last,” he murmurs, “I don’t want to see anyone else for at least half an hour…”

Famous last words. Somebody knocks. It’s Moore who comes in and stares at him.

“The warrior’s rest.”

“But I can’t be alone here either. I already said there won’t be no funding for the needy.”

“The only one in need here I see is you. In need of help.”

“What do you mean?”

“I saw your wife right outside.”

Enter the First Lady.

“How was your day, dear?”

“Tell me about it. Forget about it…”

“All right, darling, whatever, don’t tell me anything.”

“It’s just a figure of speech. I meant it was hard.”

“I got that. When you’re tired and nervous even your toupee changes color… Are you done with your matters?”

“Yes, Mrs. Kramp, the business is finished.” says Moore. “Now, you can talk about yours. I guess they’re more important.”

“You betcha. My husband’s health is the most important.”

“Can I have a say in this?” Moore politely asks.

“No! You can’t!” explodes Super Dan. “Our conversation is over. Session is over, thank you Moore.”

“But you’re welcome, Mr. President,” replies the Chief of Cabinet while he goes to sit in a comfortable armchair.

The First Lady in the meantime takes a book from the shelf and hands it to the husband.

“Here’s what you need, a good book. It’ll relax you, you’ll see.”

“What do I need a book for? I already know everything there is to know.”

“Like what?” asks the impertinent Moore.

“Whatever it takes.”

“Darling, it’s not about what you need. I’m talking about something else. The books are the nourishment of the soul.”

“I think your husband’s been on a diet for a while.” is Moore’s comment.

“Honey, a great writer used to say: the first thing that reading teaches is like being alone with your soul.”

“Rest assured, Mrs. Kramp, your husband is always in good company.”

At that moment General Byove enters with his decisive step and the cigar between the teeth.

“That’s just it…” says Moore.

“Moore” mumbles exhausted Super Dan, “but we hadn’t finished talking, us two?”

“Sure, otherwise I couldn’t just sit here in the comfort of my own to enjoy the show.”

“Mr. President, what have you decided about those derelicts?” attack Byjove. “You haven’t decided to cut military spending to support this absurd proposal, right?”

“General,” Gwendoline intervened decisively, “supporting needy and the poorest families doesn’t seem to me at all an absurd proposal.”

“If funds are to be taken away from the military sector to finance it, then it’s insane!” the general says.

“What sensitivity, what a soul. The Gospel according to Byjove.” comments Moore whispering.

“Moore, but you didn’t have an urgent commitment after our conversation?” the President hopefully interrogates him.

“Yes, but I postponed it. I wouldn’t miss such a spectacle for nothing in the world.”

“Mr. President, no jokes, no touching military funds, You got it? Or I’ll solve the problem of those beggars once and for all.” makes it clear the man in uniform.

“Mr. President, no jokes, no touching military funds, You got it? Or I’ll solve the problem of those ragamuffins once and for all.

for everyone.” makes it clear the man in uniform .

“Sensibility is the most elegant and precious garment whose intelligence can get dressed. Mahatma Gandhi.” continues Moore.

“Teddy bear, you’re not going to let this brute convince you, are you?” the First Lady insists.

“But I mean, who the hell wears the pants in this palace?” Byjove reacts.

“Yes, seriously,” question Moore, “I’m curious to hear the answer.”

“I only came here to stay alone for ten minutes…” thinks Super Dan to out loud.

“Teddy bear, which means, you no longer love your little fish?”

“Teddy bear?!?” Byjove opens his eyes wide. “Little fish?!?”

“Yes, teddy bear,” Moore stings, “let’s hear it, do you love more Mommy or Daddy? The little fish or the general?”

“What are you saying,” replied the resentful wife, “it’s obvious he loves just me. Right teddy bear?”

“What the hell are you guys ranting about? This is military spending, not fish and bears!” the general mutters.

“Come on, teddy bear,” the British Chief of Staff says, “answer your wife.”

“Moore, could you and your big tongue go and take care of something else somewhere else?” Super Dan explodes.

“Oh no, now I want to know, do you care more about me or that gruff cigar-eating?”

President Daniel Kramp is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

“No, honey, you know I only care about you.”

“Well,” mutters Byjove, “we’re all delighted. And the military expenses, pardon?”

Gwendoline walks up to her husband and starts pampering him.

“Do you really only care about your little fish?”

“Of course, my little fish, you know your teddy loves only you.”

“Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt this conference on the animal world,” a smiling Moore interrupts them, “but I’m afraid the liver of the general is about to burst.”

“And you can swear to it! But where the hell did I end up, in Noah’s ark or in the presidential palace?”

“Well, since you mentioned Noah’s Ark, General,” explains Moore, “could I talk to you about the animals that live here in the Big House?”

“Moore, for crying out loud,” cries Super Dan, “but is it possible that the Chief of the Cabinet doesn’t have any work to do right now?”

“Teddy bear, don’t scream. You know it makes your blood pressure go up.”

“You can talk about affairs of state,” Byjove proposes with a smile hiding a volcanic eruption, “or the seminar on nature is not still finished?”

“General,” replied the First Lady, “I call my teddy bear teddy bear whenever I want!”

“And her “teddy bear” calls her “little fish” whenever he wants.” adds Moore.

“Moore, for fuck’s sake!” cries the President.

“For for a thousand bayonets!” cries Byjove. “Where are we, at an episode of National Geographic?”

“No, it’s the last episode of The Twilight Zone.” replies, sneering, Moore.

“President, I’ve always supported you, and you know that. No low blows with those beggars, is that clear? Military funds are not to be touched!”

Byjove turns around slamming his heels and storms out.

“Ahh, finally, some peace…” sighs the big boss wiping his forehead and toupee.

“Yes, finally some peace.” Moore agrees. “A cigar, Mr. President?”

Super Dan stunned jerks in his armchair, he didn’t notice that Moore was sitting there.

“Moore, you should…”

“Yes, Moore,” says Gwendoline, “you should help me to convince my husband to get rid of the stress. I suggested earlier a good book, but he doesn’t want.”

Between Super Dan and his Chief of Staff are the glances of fire, when all of a sudden Byjove comes back at a fast pace without knock.

“I forgot my cigar.”

The officer’s on his way out.

“Teddy bear, I’ll bet the general’s read some good book to relax sometimes.”

Byjove stops at the door.

“Sure, what do you take me for?”

“See? He reads too from time to time.”

“War and peace. Especially the first part.”

Byjove opens the door and leaves.

“After the stars and the children, what’s most beautiful in the world, is a book.” recalls Moore. “A wise man said that a long time ago.”

“Moore, you, the wise man and his books,” snarls the President, “are going to fly out the window together.”

“Have you seen Moore? There’s nothing to do, he refuses all advice, stress will make him sick.”

“Then we’ll just have to rely on good old Thomas Jefferson.”

“Who the hell is he?” exclaims the big boss.

“Who was he, just in case. One of the first presidents of our allies Americans, one of Trump’s predecessors.” answers Moore. “If the body is weak, the mind will not be strong, he said.”

“Right! He was right! This calls for some exercise, you’ll see how you’ll feel afterwards.”

Super Dan burns Moore with his eye for suggesting that idea to his wife.

“Sure, you’ll feel like a real lion,” insists the Brit, “don’t you think, teddy bear?”

“Moore,” spells Super Dan, “I would…”

“Thank you for this wonderful idea of yours. Thank you very much. Come teddy bear, let’s go to the gym, I’ll get you in shape!”

Gwendoline grabs her husband by the hand and literally drags him uprooting him from his chair.

Super Dan, pulled by his wife’s hand, glares at Moore one last time.

“You’ll see, Mr. President, you’ll thank me later.”

INTERIOR – GROUND FLOOR OF THE BIG HOUSE – WELLNESS CENTER.

Gwendoline takes her husband inside the Wellness Center.

“Come, teddy bear, now your little fish will get you in shape.”

She drags him into the locker room. After a few minutes they come out with a bathrobe and towel around their neck.

“Honey, is this really necessary? I just wanted to relax a little bit, pull the plug for a few minutes.”

“You’ll see, in a couple of hours you’ll thank me.”

Super Dan looks terrified.

“Let’s start with a nice sauna so you can get rid of the toxins.”

Gwendoline leads her husband by the hand into the sauna, he sits down while she pours a large amount of water on the coals. The temperature’s starting to rise a lot.

“Breathe in deeply and slowly, remove toxins and burn the fats.”

The First Lady pours more water on the coals.

“Darling, don’t you think that’s enough?”

“We’re just getting started. Breathe, breathe.”

“That’s exactly the problem…” panting Super Dan.

A few minutes later, President Kramp’s distraught and takes his toupee off his head and put it next to him.

“Well, now we can go out.” says his wife, who always drives him, while he puts his toupee back on his head crooked and comes staggering out.

“Praise God, I’m gonna take a shower and then jump on the couch.”

“Are you kidding? Now there’s an exercise bike!” she exclaims, just as her cell phone alarm sounds, reminding her of a important date.

“Gosh, it’s social hour, I’ve got to write, I’m sorry, I’ve got to just go.”

“Don’t worry,” says Super Dan destroyed but happy, “we’ll finish this some other time.”

“No way, I’m calling Ms Brontenserious now, she’ll follow you.”

The President is no longer smiling, he seems to be caught in a paresis.

“But no dear, let’s finish another time…”

“That’s it, I’ve already sent her a message, don’t worry.”

Enter Ms Brontenserious with a military stride and her riding crop.

“Jawohl mein fraulein!”

“Ms Brontenserious I have an engagement, could you please continue to follow my husband’s training, please? He’s already taken a sauna and has as soon as I start my exercise bike…”

“Training? What training? But I just had to relax!”

“Jawohl mein fraulein! I got it, ja.”

“Teddy bear, I leave you in good hands, I go.”

“Wait, don’t leave me in the hands of the Gestapo!”

“Eins zwei, eins zwei, pedal, pedal!”

Ms Brontenserious with a whip close to Super Dan, bouncing around on the bike seat.

This is a super-technological exercise bike equipped with rowing handlebars to train the upper body.

The Austrian housekeeper forces him to increase the rhythm of the pedaling, while at the same time the toupee is more and more crooked on his head.

“Eins zwei, eins zwei, pedal, lazybones!”

“I remind you…pant…pant…that…I…am…I…am…pant…pant…the President.”

“Nein, you’re lazy, ja? Eins zwei, eins zwei.”

Super Dan pedals faster and faster, the torso and arms forward and back to follow the rowing handlebars, his toupee dances on his head moving forward and forward on his face.

INTERIOR – UPPER FLOOR OF THE BIG HOUSE – PRESIDENT APARTMENT.

At the end of the day, an exhausted Super Dan returns to his rooms.

His wife, since he’s engaged in training for once, comb with love even the spare toupee resting on the dummy’s head.

“Teddy bear, how’d it go at the gym? Ms Brontenserious reported great things about you.”

“Next time I’ll have her shot, that Nazi one.”

“Oh, come on, don’t say that. My teddy bear worked hard today so tonight you deserve a big award…”

Super Dan stops and looks at his wife with a sensual look.

“Really?”

“Teddy bear, I was told you didn’t spare yourself in gym. I just hope you still have some energy left…”

The wife gets up and walks by her husband walking slowly in a provocative way, while he’s already looking forward to the evening.

“I always have energy for you, my little fish…”

“I’m going to freshen up. I’ll be right back.”

Super Dan is gazing tenderly at his wife and the walking like a playboy into the bathroom.

As soon as he gets into the bathroom, he hurries to open the locker medication to take a viagra pill. Then he looks around, he chooses the leopard print bathrobe and then comes out with a plush step.

“Here’s your teddy bear…”

“My teddy bear was really good today. Come and get the your prize…”

Super Dan walks up to his wife in his leopard print bathrobe, he is going to hug her when there’s a knock on the door.

“Who the hell is it?”

“Mr. President, forgive me, this is Blanco. Some documents need your signature.”

“But can’t it wait till tomorrow?”

“No Mr. President, the papers must be filed tonight. This won’t take long, you’ll see.”

“Damn the papers, right now.”

“I get it, duty calls.”

“All right, I’m coming. You wait for me, I’ll be quick, my little fish.”

Super Dan takes off his robe, puts on a tracksuit, and hecomes out fast.

Just outside the room he sees Blanco waiting for him with Moore.

“Ah you, thank you for a wonderful afternoon.”

“Well, I figured, since you don’t want to read a good book, at least take care of your physical health, since the mental health you don’t care a damn.”

“Please follow us, Mr. President, we have already prepared the documents.”

The three of them move out into the hallway.

After half an hour Super Dan has finished and tries in vain to return to the his rooms, which he can’t find, with the usual map of the Big House in his hand.

INTERIOR – UPPER FLOOR OF THE BIG HOUSE – HALLWAYS

“Where the hell are my rooms? They couldn’t make it smaller this place?” complains the President. “Let’s try this one. The right door.”

Super Dan opens a door and walks in. It’s the usual closet, he comes out covered with mops, the bucket on his head…and the usual broom in his hand.

He puts everything back in the closet, goes in there for a moment, so that everything doesn’t fall out and still comes out with a bucket on his head that looks like a scout’s helmet.

He takes it off, throws that into the closet and slams the door.

He keeps walking with the map of the Big House on which it’s drawn a big X, like in treasure maps. It’s his bedroom, the treasure’s his wife… and viagra’s starting to kick in…

Finally, after all this wandering the halls, he thinks he’s found the treasure, his rooms, but he makes one more mistake and slips into a dead-end hallway.

He’s looking for his rooms again with a plush step like a hunter in the jungle, stopping every once in a while and then looking around carefully.

His security guards pass by, Super Dan panics, he doesn’t want to be seen in trouble, so he hides behind a statue, near the wall, but since it’s too small to hide, his belly doesn’t go through, so his head stays out on the shoulder of the statue.

The bodyguards have walked past, he breathes a sigh of relief, and he’s back on the search.

Here we go, finally Super Dan smiles: he found his apartment!

He sneaks in, but he doesn’t realize he has the wrong room…

In fact, it’s Ms Ingrid Brontenserious’s room, resting in bed with curlers on their heads covered with a veil that holds them together.

The bed is an antique double bed, identical to what’s in his rooms.

President Kramp slowly approaches the bed with his back to the wall, moving on his toes, then he stops, he’s excited and starts whispering in a low voice.

“Honey, honey, my love…”

It’s dark, Ms Brontenserious opens her eyes still sleepy, wakes up, surprised, with a worrying, suspicious expression, and remains underneath blankets.

“My little fish, your teddy bear is back, you’ve got nothing for me?”

Super Dan tiptoes a few more steps, holding always his back to the wall and whispering sweet words.

Ms Brontenserious has her eyes wide open and remains motionless beneath the blankets.

“My little fishy, didn’t you say something about a nice prize for your teddy bear?”

Ms Brontenserious at first surprised and then annoyed, now starts to smiling for such interest.

He takes a few more little steps on tiptoes and he comes away from the wall as he approaches the bed, still whispering other more foolishness.

“Little fish, what are you doing, hiding under the covers? You know that’s it’s useless, your teddy bear’s gonna get you anyway.”

Ms Brontenserious begins to gloat, thinking that the President has an interest in her.

“My little fish, your teddy bear is back…”

“My little fish, what are you doing? Aren’t you gonna say anything? Ah, I get it, you want me provoke, huh? All right, you did it.”

Your teddy bear’s coming for the prize, little fishy.”

“Honey, honey, my love…”

Super Dan is so excited, can’t control himself, so does the last steps that separate him from the bed on the run, he dives and lands on the bed heavily.

As soon as he lands on the bed, the chain effect begins: the bed collapses, pieces of ceiling collapse, the floor falls down, the paintings fall off the walls on the ground, the vases fall off, the crystals explode.

A cloud of dust comes out of the windows of the room, the alarms started beeping all over the Big House, the sirens start to sound, the beacons flash everywhere, the service agents come running with guns in hand, lights up in everything the garden of the Big House.

Ms Brontenserious’s room is being raided by Special Corps, that descend with the ropes along the walls of the presidential palace and smash through the windows, land on the furniture and shattering everything they touch.

At the same time the door is broken down by the men of the Secret Service, coming guns blazing.

Super Dan and Ms. Brontenserious are on the ground surrounded by a swarm of men with guns pointed at them two.

The noise and the alarm woke everyone up, so they rush in dressing gown Moore, Blanco, Bell, Wright, Naive and Gwendoline, who witness this scene:

the President full of dust and rubble, with a crooked wig on his head, lying on Ms. Brontenserious, covered with dust and with all the lopsided curlers in her hair.

Everyone here has a disgusted expression.

Super Dan with an embarrassed smile stammers some word to try to justify himself.

INTERIOR – UPPER FLOOR OF THE BIG HOUSE – HALLWAY – FOLLOWING MORNING.

The next day, President Kramp walks through the corridors of the Big House with patches on his forehead, face and arm bandaged hanging around his neck.

As he passes by, his bodyguards and service personnel they laugh inside in vain to hold back.

“Well, what are you all doing here? Don’t you have anything better to do? Not you’re paid by the state to sit here and laze around.”

“Mr. President is right,” Moore corrosive intervenes, “you’re not paid by the state to sit here and do nothing.”

Super Dan looks at Moore in amazement, surprised he’s defending him.

“At least say a joke.” adds Moore. Then he turns his head and looks the President.

“No, better not, it would be like shooting the Red Cross.”

At that moment along the hallway, in front of everyone, passes Ms. Brontenserious, all blindfolded, sitting in a wheelchair pushed by a nurse, with a bandage around her head similar to a turban, neck stuck by the collar, with a straight leg in a cast.

“No, I was wrong, sorry, there’s the red cross.” concludes Moore.

This concludes the “treasure hunt” of President Daniel Kramp.

See you next week. Ending theme!

Super Dan
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